I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize