so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
where are my eyebrows?
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