can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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