Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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