in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
