He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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