I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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