I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
