ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
