erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
