there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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