just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
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