Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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