Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
