I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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