My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
