i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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