next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
