I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
