Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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