Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
