the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
