I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
