In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Randomize
