Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
