So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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