Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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