so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
