I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
