I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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