I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
