I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
