just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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