thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
