Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
