Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
