I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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