the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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