Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
