My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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