The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
