does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
