He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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