youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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