I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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