Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
