News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I miss vodka workout Fridays
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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