I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize