If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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