I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
