he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
