repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The uberlube is also flammable
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize