I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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