My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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