So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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