Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
