2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
