it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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