So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Reggie can tackle my bush.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
