I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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