My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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