My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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