I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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